Co-Parenting, Donors, and New Paths to Parenthood

Families are changing

While for many generations, ‘family’ has meant having two parents of the opposite genders sharing the same home and raising children together, in today’s context, that model no longer illustrates the full diversity of how families can come together and function. Increasingly, people are turning to sperm donation - including known donation - as a way to create families. Research from the HFEA (Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority) (1) shows that alongside increasing amounts of people seeking fertility treatment in recent years, there have been ‘changes in the reasons why people are using fertility treatment’ (2) - with single women and queer couples increasingly seeking it. This reflects an ‘increasing shift in society’s changing attitudes towards family creation and relationships’(2), and as a result, donor conception and co-parenting arrangements are now being recognised as part of meaningful and evolving ideas of what a family can be.

What a known donor-supported family might look like in a co-parenting arrangement

When choosing to enter a co-parenting relationship with a donor, there are many ways to structure the relationship. Two examples of what co-parenting could look like with a known donor include:

• Participatory co-parenting:

  This situation would involve the donor maintaining a meaningful role in the child’s life without sharing full custody. This might include attending family gatherings or holidays, having quality time with the child, and the donor being openly acknowledged as the biological parent without being involved in daily parenting decisions. This allows for connection and involvement, while respecting the structure of the family they donated to.

• Shared custody co-parenting:

  Here, the donor and parent or parents would share responsibility for raising the child, usually with equal time and decision-making. Although the parties involved may not necessarily live together, they would work closely in raising the child and perhaps share their time with the child between the two households. This kind of arrangement requires agreement on many aspects that come with raising a child, including values, parenting philosophy, and long-term communication.

Other possibilities for using a donor involve occasional contact or an online relationship, or donation only if that is what is preferred by either or both of the parties. It’s important, when deciding, to know what would feel right to you and the level of involvement you want.

What needs to be considered with co-parenting

If you decide to enter into a co-parenting relationship, there are many aspects of the agreement that need to be considered:

• Get to know the co-parent:

  A co-parenting relationship is a long-term one, and there needs to be trust between the parties involved. It’s important to have that ‘gut feeling’, but also get to know them properly so that you have a good handle on their motivations.

• Alignment of values and expectations:

  For successful co-parenting, you need to agree on many aspects. You need to agree upon things such as parenting style, communication, and boundaries, and also well as the practical side: actual donation method, education of the child and the values you want the child to be raised with.

• Legal foundations:

  Especially in the case of known donation or co-parenting, legal agreements can help avoid misunderstanding and clarify roles and expectations on issues ranging from the financial to the practical - including custodial agreements. Although whether the document is legally binding or not is dependent on the legal system of the country or region you are living in, it is always helpful to talk to a lawyer before the donation takes place to get legal advice regarding your particular situation.

• Openness with the child:

  Research with donor-conceived adults published in the Iowa Journal of Communication (3) suggests that being aware of their biological origins can help solidify their sense of identity and belonging. Co-parenting or known donor relationships with open communication can help reduce uncertainty. The child's understanding of the nature of their family and origins can be invaluable to them.

How Y factor supports modern family building and co-parenting

Y factor app connects future parents and known donors based on shared values and honest conversations. When creating a profile, you can select what kind of donor relationship you want for the child, including co-parenting, and use our filters to search for people who match those expectations. You can filter by desired contact, donation method, personal values and physical appearance, so that you can find a match that feels right for you. We believe that building a family should be grounded in choice and mutual respect, whether you’re looking into known donation, considering co-parenting, or just wanting to find a known donor you can have more open communication with for the sake of your future child.

Conclusion

The family mould is changing, and there’s more than one way to create one: from solo-motherhood by choice and same-sex couples, to donors looking to contribute to families in a meaningful way, these paths mirror an expanding definition of parenthood to include known donation and co-parenting in its many forms.

Whether choosing to co-parent or have another form of connection between the donor and child, what’s at the heart of it is finding a donation match that works for your specific needs and vision of your future family.

References:

1. Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority [HFEA] ( 2020.). ’Family Formations in Fertility Treatment 2018’. Available at: https://www.hfea.gov.uk/about-us/publications/research-and-data/family-formations-in-fertility-treatment-2018/

2. Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority [HFEA] (n.d.) 'New figures show how different people are using IVF’ Available at: https://www.hfea.gov.uk/about-us/news-and-press-releases/2020/new-figures-show-how-different-people-are-using-ivf

3. Harrigan, Meredith Marko; Dieter, Sarah; Leinwohl, Jenna; and Marrin, Laura (2014) "Redefining Family: An Analysis of Adult Donor-Conceived Offspring's Discursive Meaning-Making," Iowa Journal of Communication: Vol. 46: No. 1, Article 5. Available at: https://scholarworks.uni.edu/ijc/vol46/iss1/5